“Not everything is supposed to become something beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people come into your life to show you what is right and what is wrong, to show you who you can be, to teach you to love yourself, to make you feel better for a little while, or to just be someone to walk with at night and spill your life to. Not everyone is going to stay forever, and we still have to keep on going and thank them for what they’ve given us.”
I thought that I was doing ok. Relatively, anyway. Although relatively would mean relative to the last time, which is setting the bar pretty low. Still, I thought I was doing ok. Now I think that perhaps it was just that I had an opportunity to spend the 3 days immediately following mostly alone and in yoga pants, dealing with a changing reality very slowly and quietly. But now that I’m in an office and surrounded by other people, I find myself avoiding as much interaction as possible because it all feels so abrupt now and I can tell that the way I’m feeling is written all over my face. I’ve never been good at hiding it.
This time is different from the last time, though. The last time I felt like I had lost my one and only, and that it was all my fault for being terrible, and I felt so wholly rejected, which was only compounded negatively by the notion that I completely deserved to be rejected. I cycled through completely disparate emotions endlessly. I went out of my way to rebound, just to stave off that feeling of rejection, just to feel wanted, just because I knew that if he did it first it would kill me. This time there is none of that. The same two people going through essentially the same thing, and yet it’s not the same at all. Not at all. This time I know it’s not my fault, nor is it his. It just is the way it is. Two different people who want different things. There is nothing to fight, nowhere to direct any negative energy.
I am trying to be content with the knowledge that this is what’s best for both of us in the long run, I know that it is, but there is still an enveloping sadness. How could there not be? Just thinking about everything that is going to be different, everything that is going to suddenly be no more, it makes me ache. I have an overwhelming desire to just be alone right now. Not in a depressed way, something about it actually feels healthy. I never allow myself to process things correctly, but this time I know that it’s the only option. I need to allow myself to slow down and to feel my way through, to not force anything, to find comfort and solace in myself, to retreat a bit and allow myself to heal from the inside out. It is going to take a lot of time, and I am going to allow it to.
It is such a strange and new feeling, to feel so sad but to know that it will be beneficial, eventually anyway. I am sad. There is no denying that. But I am not inconsolable, or melodramatic, or hopeless, or desperate the way I was before. I am mourning for what is gone, but not wishing that it had never been so as to have saved myself from the way I currently feel, the way I did before. I am trying to be thankful for the time we shared rather than viewing it as time wasted, the way I tend to do. How could I not be thankful when I think back on everything we shared and everything we learned from each other? Being so different in that regard was a positive, because we opened each other up in ways that would have probably remained closed had we not found one another.
With that in mind, I can take solace in the fact that we are probably both leaving each other better than we found each other. I hope that is the case anyway. I believe it is, because I know for a fact that I am a much better person having known him. I thought that I would be more angry and hurt, that I would view the past year of being back together as all for naught since we just ended up breaking up again. But I don't. Because it wasn't all for naught. We needed to find each other, and when we broke up before, we just weren't done yet and we felt it. And who knows if we are now, for good, or if we are like two meandering rivers who are flowing further apart right now, but may come to a confluence later, if and when we are supposed to. I have no way of knowing, no one does. But I do know that I will be ok, even if I'm not right now.