Friday, August 8, 2014

Rapid-Fire

 
I re-started this blog a few months ago to keep up with my adventure chronicles like I used to, but it has clearly devolved back into the embarrassing personal diary that I'm sure only I still read. But maybe that's ok. Maybe that's what I need right now, since I rarely have any idea what I'm thinking or feeling lately. For the first time in my life I'm seeing a psychotherapist weekly, who is helping me to figure out some of the issues that keep me from being who I want to be or living the life I want to live. I can recognize all the bad things I say/do/embody and I can--and do--analyze them to death, but I don't know why they're there in the first place or how to fix them. Unfortunately it's not a fast or easy (or cheap) process, but it's interesting and helpful to see it from an objective third party perspective and to get deeper than just vaguely attributing these things to generalized depression, because there's more there.

I (obviously) haven't been able to make much progress on feeling better from my recent breakup, and it's hard to make sense of why since logically I know that the only thing to do is just understand that it's not meant to be and move on. Why be heartbroken if he's not the one anyway? But there's so much there, and I'm constantly cycling through emotions that seem so illogical and make little sense to me. I am heartbroken to not be together anymore because I do still love him and miss him, I also feel terrible and wholly rejected that he doesn't love me back, I feel angry with him for giving up on us and for causing me pain, I also think it's ridiculous to be angry with him because why would I expect him to stay with me?, I feel angry with myself for all of my shortcomings that pushed him away, I feel like I have no self-worth, I feel confused about how upset I am since I remember that while we were together I often knew in the back of my mind that he wasn't right for me in many ways.

The list goes on and on, and it feels like I experience all of these varying, sometimes seemingly paradoxical emotions in rapid-fire all day, every day. I put on a happy face every single day, I keep up my daily routines, I try to stay healthy with spin class and yoga class and green smoothies and whatnot, I try to stay busy and productive and spend time with family and friends, I try to do good outside of myself by keeping active in animal rescue, etc., so it's more than a little bit upsetting that this one aspect of my otherwise good life has such a singular, overshadowing impact on my mental health and overall well-being and feelings of self-worth. Rationally I know better than to allow it to, I do, but I also feel like I have no control over how I'm feeling. Nor do I even understand how I'm feeling most of the time. Clearly.

I know that none of this is making much sense and I'm just being redundant and talking in circles, which makes me feel like even more of an awkward idiot than I already do. But I feel like all I can do is just get it out at the moment, even if it seems like there's no point in doing so. I'm also trying to not be so hard on myself for harboring all of this irrational, embarrassing bullshit, so maybe there's some form of acceptance in just admitting it all here.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Years ago, you turned sixteen and could drive. A year passed and you were wiser and a better, more confident driver. When you turned seventeen years old, what did you have on your keychain? Think about it. Whatever the answer is, you should find another one, have it built within a bowling ball, admire the beauty of a sweet acrylic custom job you worked 13 honest hours to fund, and then mount it just below your rear bumper. Then, you could rig up a pulley-drop system to unleash the bowling ball from the rear of your car to unleash hell upon retard driver tailgating
I digress.
What did your key chain look like a year after you started driving?

tell your readers about the largest/most conspicuous/gawdy/subtle/buoyant/ key chain you've ever had.

go. go. go. go.

Octohawk said...

...what?

Anonymous said...

I repeat:
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Years ago, you turned sixteen and could drive. A year passed and you were wiser and a better, more confident driver. When you turned seventeen years old, what did you have on your keychain? Think about it. Whatever the answer is, you should find another one, have it built within a bowling ball, admire the beauty of a sweet acrylic custom job you worked 13 honest hours to fund, and then mount it just below your rear bumper. Then, you could rig up a pulley-drop system to unleash the bowling ball from the rear of your car to unleash hell upon retard driver tailgating
I digress.
What did your key chain look like a year after you started driving?

tell your readers about the largest/most conspicuous/gawdy/subtle/buoyant/ key chain you've ever had.

go. go. go. go.

I thought it was a pretty straight forward question/request.