I (obviously) haven't been able to make much progress on feeling better from my recent breakup, and it's hard to make sense of why since logically I know that the only thing to do is just understand that it's not meant to be and move on. Why be heartbroken if he's not the one anyway? But there's so much there, and I'm constantly cycling through emotions that seem so illogical and make little sense to me. I am heartbroken to not be together anymore because I do still love him and miss him, I also feel terrible and wholly rejected that he doesn't love me back, I feel angry with him for giving up on us and for causing me pain, I also think it's ridiculous to be angry with him because why would I expect him to stay with me?, I feel angry with myself for all of my shortcomings that pushed him away, I feel like I have no self-worth, I feel confused about how upset I am since I remember that while we were together I often knew in the back of my mind that he wasn't right for me in many ways.
The list goes on and on, and it feels like I experience all of these varying, sometimes seemingly paradoxical emotions in rapid-fire all day, every day. I put on a happy face every single day, I keep up my daily routines, I try to stay healthy with spin class and yoga class and green smoothies and whatnot, I try to stay busy and productive and spend time with family and friends, I try to do good outside of myself by keeping active in animal rescue, etc., so it's more than a little bit upsetting that this one aspect of my otherwise good life has such a singular, overshadowing impact on my mental health and overall well-being and feelings of self-worth. Rationally I know better than to allow it to, I do, but I also feel like I have no control over how I'm feeling. Nor do I even understand how I'm feeling most of the time. Clearly.
I know that none of this is making much sense and I'm just being redundant and talking in circles, which makes me feel like even more of an awkward idiot than I already do. But I feel like all I can do is just get it out at the moment, even if it seems like there's no point in doing so. I'm also trying to not be so hard on myself for harboring all of this irrational, embarrassing bullshit, so maybe there's some form of acceptance in just admitting it all here.