Monday, July 7, 2014

Skinny Love

"I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall"

It’s hard to wake up every morning and immediately feel this enormous wave of disappointment wash over you at the mere thought that there’s a whole new day ahead, and the maximum amount of time that there will be in the entire day until you can go to bed again. Fuck antidepressants, tinkering with your brain makeup and making you feel weird, or worse, or nothing at all. Why hasn’t anyone come up with a pill that allows you to just hibernate through depression? Because being awake is entirely overrated. I’ve been on a steady diet of Advil PM to sleep through the nights and not wake up and toss and turn and think, and booze to get me through the days (which I cut off today because, oddly enough, it’s not helping. Weird, right?).

While inside I feel like someone in dirty sweatpants on the couch drinking Jack Daniels, eating a tub of cookie dough, and crying over romantic comedies, I’ve actually somehow managed to balance my usual unhealthy, masochistic practices with relatively healthy eating and somewhat regular exercise. That seems sort of contrary to me, and I wish I could take it as a sign that I haven’t completely given up, but I’m guessing I subconsciously know that getting fat would only make me feel worse and exercise takes up time during the day (and supposedly forces endorphin production but that has yet to affect anything). And I definitely have been crying over romantic comedies.. and literally anything else that could possibly rouse any tiny bit of emotion. And I definitely need to cut it out with the Beach House, Bon Iver, and Lana Del Rey on repeat. Jesus, it's like the hipster's suicide playlist, it's terrible. 

I have managed to get out of my house to go kayaking with my dog, mow my lawn, go to the gym, watch fireworks, and even go scalloping for the first time this year, which is arguably my favorite thing to do in Florida, ever. But despite sticking to some modicum of routine, and doing things that normally bring me so much joy, I don’t feel anything good. At all. It’s just this stifling, ever-present, sour haze that envelops everything lately. As Plath wrote, “I felt very still and empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.” And when Plath quotes start to feel relatable again, it just makes me feel infinitely worse, because I don't want to end up with my head in an oven, and I don’t want to feel like this, and I don’t want to deal with this, and I don’t want to write about this, I just want it all to go away. But that's not how it works. It never just goes away. 
My dad told me years ago that he thought my depressed bouts always coincided with breakups (which kind of belittles the mental issues I’ve dealt with for so long), but in this case the depression preceded and caused the breakup, which just amplifies the whole scenario. Especially considering that it’s a situation that I do not want, yet one I created. Actually, I don’t even fully know if I’m broken up. I assume I am but we’ve never actually talked about it, he just keeps telling me he needs time to think, which doesn’t give me much to cling to, as I assume all he's actually thinking about is how to break up with me in a way that doesn't add to the way I'm already feeling. Part of me just wants to go ahead and get it over with so I can hit rock bottom already and try to start building myself up again. The other part of me is not ready to give up, at all, and desperately wants to try to correct the damage I’ve caused. The other part of me feels like I don’t deserve to get him back, and that no one should have to deal with me, and that it’s admirable he managed to put up with me for so long. The other part of me thinks that because he’s told me so many times that he loves me, he should love me as the full package, the good and the bad, and want to understand me and help me when I’m down, because that’s what love is, right? I mean, fuck, I never asked for any of this, and anyone who hasn’t dealt with it doesn’t understand how much it can affect life and how difficult it can be to manage. But I have too many conflicting viewpoints bouncing around my head right now that I don’t know what to do or think.
The last time I felt this low over a breakup, it was more over what my ex did to me than the fact that I had lost him. I was depressed, both inside and outside of the breakup, but I was also incredibly, justifiably angry at him and I definitely aimed every ounce of negativity at him while I tried to process my emotions. But right now I have no one to be angry with and direct anger towards except myself, because the person who hurt me was in effect just me. I’ve been upset that he has stayed away from me to “take time to think”, and that he hasn’t tried to see me at all, because I’m depressed and I need him and he’s not here. But I know I can’t blame him, because I drove him away. I wish he could understand why I do that, and that I don’t mean it, but regardless it’s too much to ask anyone to stick around when you’re constantly pushing them away. Who would ever voluntarily deal with that? I assume either no one at all, or someone who really loves you, which may just not be him, and maybe he's finally figured that out.
"And now all your love is wasted
And who the hell was I?
I'm breaking at the bridges
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?"


amy said...

im so sorry you are having to go through all this!!! i believe that things work out in the end the way they are meant to, but i know that doesnt help how you feel now. :( sending you a big hug and try not to be soooo hard on yourself. xxx

Octohawk said...

Thank you