Friday, July 24, 2009

A Nervous Tic Motion..

"My eyes are so bleary
I guess I'm young but I feel so weary
I've tried to express it
But I think its all a bore
It's at the heart of me,
A very part of me"

I feel that my days are getting longer, but not in a good way. I just put a sticky note on my computer monitor at work in an effort to shield myself from the time display in the lower righthand corner of the screen. Thank god I don't have a conventional clock in my office, because I don't think I could watch or listen to the tick tick ticking of the hands as they move so impossibly slow during my eight hours of paid incarceration. Clocks can be so cruel sometimes, as they seem to be forever reiterating that line from Fight Club: "This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time." I don't need that reminder. It's too much to think about.

I hate the feeling of wasted time. All the time in your life lumped together spent not living. I get looked down on by coworkers and bosses for taking "so much" time off of work, but fuck.. this is my life. I've said it so many times now, but I still maintain that I cannot waste my life behind a desk, spending only two weeks a year doing something that I actually enjoy. I don't care if my sentiment falls outside the lines of "acceptable" in my office, because that's just not life. Or at least, not a life worth living. I wish employers could concentrate solely on whether or not I'm doing the job I was hired to do, not on whether or not I'm chained to my desk 40 hours a week.

The fact that this notion of "time" shackles me into such strong constraints also upsets me. Time isn't a real thing, it's simply an idea. We can't see it or touch it, and yet it controls us in so many ways. And even with that control being weilded over us, we rarely stop and think about time as a social construction that we all have to live according to. We can't deny time or live without it, and yet, it's simply a human invention and an additonal dimension in our lives.

Jesus, I'm thinking too much.. So many things have been getting me down in the past couple of days, and acknowledging that is getting me down even more. I'm saddened by things that I don't even want to worry about. I'm sadded by how far my boyfriend lives from me and how expensive it is to maintain a healthy relationship. I'm saddened by my job on so many levels- by feeling like I don't make a difference; by feeling like I don't fit in here, and how even if I did it's not taking my anywhere I want to go in life; by how it's turned me into a lazy, bored drone with no work ethic; and by how I want to quit but feel like I can't because I'm broke. I'm saddened by the state of our nation, and the ignorance and intolerance held by so many of our citizens on so many topics; and by how upset I get when I realize how intolerant I am of them in return, because I don't want uneducated people to be allowed to breed and vote. I'm saddened by the feeling of having different goals in my life that are so unrealistic that I don't even try to pursue them; and by how I've always been an idea person, but have never known how to turn those ideas into reality.

I just feel like so much is falling apart right now, and when I feel that way it doesn't propel me towards positive motion.. it makes me want to curl up in bed and fall asleep Rip Van Winkle-style until things get better, which isn't productive whatsoever. I'm not falling back into depression, I'm just reflecting on and being affected by some negative that is weighing on me for whatever reason. I know that I am a lucky person and I'm more than thankful for everything that I have. But I don't want my good fortune to simply blind me from the negative that is very real and very present. When I was dealing with my depression for so long, I wondered how positive people could just put their rosy-colored glasses on and ignore all the negative in the world and in their lives. But now I see that it's not about ignoring anything, it's about acknowledging and feeling and coming to terms with, so you can find a way to move past the negative and help change things for the better. That's what I need to try to do now, it's just so hard moving myself from the uncomfortably comfortable rut that I'm living in at the moment.
I'm glad I got all that out.


Mary Tyler Whore said...

i totally feel the same way sometimes. and at my old job (publishing company, before i got promoted and actually had challenging work to do) i used to put a sticky note over the clock on the computer and phone so i couldnt stare at it. my present job usually keeps me busy and i enjoy it but i often feel like is this all there is? or i feel like i want to make more of an impact. and i DEFINITELY aspire to be away from a desk by age 30 at the oldest. hopefully i can live off freelance gigs by then. i do not understand these people who have been "in the industry" for 10-20 years and are growing old at their desks. id blow my brains out. know that you are not alone in your thoughts. :-)

Octohawk said...

i wish i had your job! i already proofread everything i write on a daily basis.. i think that's one desk job i'd be able to tolerate, but i'm speaking from no experience so who knows? the whole "being in the industry thing" for 10-20 years baffles me at my current job. there's something about working for a government agency that seems to drain your soul, and yet so many people in my office are here until retirement. i don't get it..

Mary Tyler Whore said...

yeah, you would like my job. and you would be very good at it since you can write well. i mean, i do love what i do. i just feel i could make a lot more money on my own and also be more productive. what i do in 8 or 9 hours can typically be done in 5. im sure you know how that goes. and i just feel like a prisoner on occasion when im sitting there for 30 minutes or an hour with my thumb up my ass. haha but im thankful i get to read, write, listen to music and wear what i want. i just eventually hope to do it from my own home or office. and, yes, i can imagine a government job would suck the soul out of one even quicker than being at other office jobs would. oh well. at least were smart enough to know we wont be office people forever. :-D people like us are the only ones who actually end up getting out. the rest--those who dont question or ponder alternate possibilities--get sucked in. forever. go corporate america!